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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Time Out

It has been brought to my attention rather forcefully this year that I only have so much time and energy to go around (who knew?), and so I've decided to go into a self-imposed exile for the next year.  I'll be taking down my website and other blogs, and just leaving this one up, because I know that I won't be able to stay completely away. I'd miss you guys too much.  :)

However, I've had a few late night/early morning epiphanies that have left me with the decision to take a year off from attempting to write and create art for profit.  For the next year, I hope to focus on solely the love of the craft(s), as well as reaching deep to discover the things most important to me.  You'd think those things would be self-evident, but they really haven't been for almost two decades now.  I'm calling this: "The Year of Living Honestly: Finding Purpose and Courage in Truth."

Lofty, huh? :)

Yet, it's true.  I've been prone to depression most of my life and felt it coming back lately.  Upon further examination, I discovered that my life has been completely lacking in what I'd call honest purpose since I gave up my religion, husband, and most family and friends 16 years ago.  During one of those 3am soul-searching sessions recently, I asked myself how it was that I used to be so sure of myself, so brave in doing many things that did not come naturally to me, and realized that it was because I BELIEVED in what I was doing. I had the courage of conviction.  Can't say that I've been convinced of much of anything in a long, long time.

Hence, a desire to find out what, if anything, means so much to me that I'd be willing to face anything to protect it.  And to figure that out with as little stress as possible.  I can't quit the day job just yet (much as I would love to!) - still have bills and daughter's tuition to pay.  Though, who knows... I may yet do so.  Her education is important to me, but how it gets achieved and paid for is always up for review.  As are those bills... :)

Nevertheless, I can stop stressing about trying to write, paint, etc. and all the promotional work involved in that to make money from it (which I haven't been doing lately anyway because I haven't had the energy to keep up with it all).  So... that's it.  I'm going to do my best to just create for the sheer joy of it, for the learning that will come from that, and not stress myself out. 

I'll be honest with myself and others about how much I can, or cannot, do.  I'm resolving to not friendly with people I don't like just because they'd be useful to know in my job.  I won't smile at liars, I won't glare at friends, I won't enable the weak to maintain their weaknesses (or my own), and hopefully, I'll find some peace.

Wish me luck. :)