Blocked

I'm having a bit of trouble lately... I can't seem to work on anything with any real dedication since I've not yet been able to get the contract with Aphrodite's Apples squared away. It's weird. This has been going on since I first found out my story was accepted, which was a few months ago. I thought it would finally be over when I got the new contract yesterday, only to find I still had one more question. Ack!

I know this is not good -- I can't put my writing life on hold waiting for each little thing to be worked out. The very nature of this business means there will be long periods of waiting between projects while things are settled: submit, wait; rejected, try again; accepted, contract negotiations, revisions, etc. All of this takes time - weeks, months, even years! If I stop writing while I'm waiting, I may never have another thing published!

I've been reading "Write it Down, Make it Happen" by Henriette Anne Klauser (a book Edie Ramer recommended) and Klauser brought up how resistance always means something. We just need to get to the bottom of why we're resisting. (In my case, the resistance is manifesting in writer's block.) Even as I type now, a few thoughts came to mind.

One, I'm afraid that somehow something will go wrong with the contract and I won't be published and I'll feel like I've wasted all this time and effort and will feel very foolish.

Two, I'm afraid that I'm really a poor writer and everyone will know it once they read my stuff - there are so many good writers out there, some of whom are much better writers than I am and have yet to be published, who will all be wondering why did *she* get a lucky break?

Three, I'm a neurotic perfectionist who knows her work isn't perfection and gets a little queasy at the thought of other people knowing it too. Actually, three is part of two.

Hmm... You know, that book is onto something. She said just start writing about your resistance without thinking it through too much, and I just did that in the previous paragraphs/sentences. (Thank you for sitting through my stream of consciousness prattle if you've read this far.) I think I see a theme: I'm terrified of looking like a fool. Which brings to mind an interesting coincidence (or would it be a "Go! Incident"?) - the blog at Magical Musings today was about learning from our mistakes.

I'd better go read it again, and remind myself that "failure" is only "feedback." Even if I still don't like it. :-)