Like night and day

Some of you know that it recently seemed all the technology planets were aligned against me: I lost the use of my car, cell phone, computer and alphasmart all in one blow.

Well, the mechanic to whom I had been taking my car for a while, and to whom I had already given tons of money, told me it was going to cost around $1200 to make the car safe to drive again. Told me lots of scary stories of why it wasn't safe to keep driving. Since $1200 is what I pay for rent each month, there was no way I could afford that, so I just had to let the car sit in the driveway and walk to the train station to go to work. 

Now, my daughter just came home from school last week, and bless her lazy little heart, she just couldn't go without a car, and wouldn't/couldn't possibly drive it with someone following her to the shop, so she called another shop and had them come pick it for her while I was at work.

They had it for a day and half and came back with the following verdict:  the noise it was making was from carbon on the pistons which they cleaned off; the front brakes were a little rusty, but still ok for now, and other than that, they said, nothing was wrong with the car. Total cost of repair: $45.00. They didn't even charge me for picking it up.

Obviously, my trust had been misplaced in an opportunistic and unscrupulous shop ower who saw a single woman walk in and went, "Ca-ching!"  Unlike Frank Pasquesi, who didn't try to take advantage of the situation.

But there was more to come in my tech-challenged days.  Not  only did Pasquesi Auto prove themselves to be angels in a time of need, so did Evan Marshall and Edie Ramer.

When I lost my computer, I lost downloaded software, one of which was the Marshall Plan Novel Writing Software.  I sent Evan Marshall an email, and he quickly responded, freely replacing the software for me, and was very supportive and kind.

When Edie heard that I'd lost my Alphasmart, she immediately mailed me hers since she was no longer using it.  It was (is!) a huge help, and I'm very grateful. 

So, thank you again Edie Ramer, Evan Marshall, and Frank Pasquesi!

Has anyone recently proved themselves to be trustworthy, kind, and worth their weight in gold in your life?

Lies We Tell Ourselves

You're not good enough...You have nothing to say...You'll never finish this, because you never finish anything...You lack what it takes to follow through...You should give up now because you're wasting your time...No one will ever read this...

And so on.

Vicious, nasty inner critics that have paralyzed my writing for days, weeks, sometimes even years.  All based on one thing:  Fear.  Fear I'll never get published; fear that I will.  Fear no one will read it; fear someone will.  Fear it will be bad; fear it will be good.  You name the inner conflict, I've felt it.  And apparently, I'm not alone.

I've just finished reading a book on overcoming writer's block by Karen Peterson called "Write. 10 Days to Overcome Writer's Block. Period."  In it, she promotes the idea that the left and right sides of our brains put out conflicting information when we're afraid of something, and gives some exercises to help figure out how to get around that, such as writing and answering certain questions using first our dominant hand, then the non-dominant hand to see where the conflict might lie.  She also gave lists of things to check off, using alternating hands.

I really didn't expect to see different answers for the questions, but was astounded when I did the exercises: my left hand really didn't know what my right hand was doing!

For example, for months I've been plagued by the thought that I have nothing to say, therefore, I shouldn't write (not even blog - that's a big reason why my blogging has been so sporadic.)  But when I checked off the lists of questions that included "I have nothing to say" and "I have so much to say I don't know where to start" I actually checked both - each with a different hand, and didn't realize it.

Using more information from the book, I delved a little deeper into that conflict, and realized that in fact, I have a LOT to say, but have been terrified of saying it; which is why for almost a year, I haven't said much of anything.  I also realized where the source of that fear came from and have been able to smack it down.

It was quite an interesting exercise.  I have a way to go yet, but found it helpful.

Meanwhile, to deal with that critic who keeps telling me I can never finish anything, I also took a long look through my hard drive. Yes, I did find 22 incomplete manuscripts.  But I also found 11 completed.  "Hah! Take THAT, inner critic!"  Obviously, I can write a story from beginning to end.

Then on to the next lie: "You'll never get published and no one will ever read/like what you've written."  For some reason, that's been a persistent belief, until I realized that I've only ever submitted 3 stories, and all three were published, and all three had strangers write to say they enjoyed them.

So, roll up your sleeves, it's time for the inner critic smackdown!  Kick those doubters to the curb!  What lies has your inner critic told you that you were able to prove wrong?  And didn't you feel like Rocky when you knocked them out? :)

Time Out

It has been brought to my attention rather forcefully this year that I only have so much time and energy to go around (who knew?), and so I've decided to go into a self-imposed exile for the next year.  I'll be taking down my website and other blogs, and just leaving this one up, because I know that I won't be able to stay completely away. I'd miss you guys too much.  :)

However, I've had a few late night/early morning epiphanies that have left me with the decision to take a year off from attempting to write and create art for profit.  For the next year, I hope to focus on solely the love of the craft(s), as well as reaching deep to discover the things most important to me.  You'd think those things would be self-evident, but they really haven't been for almost two decades now.  I'm calling this: "The Year of Living Honestly: Finding Purpose and Courage in Truth."

Lofty, huh? :)

Yet, it's true.  I've been prone to depression most of my life and felt it coming back lately.  Upon further examination, I discovered that my life has been completely lacking in what I'd call honest purpose since I gave up my religion, husband, and most family and friends 16 years ago.  During one of those 3am soul-searching sessions recently, I asked myself how it was that I used to be so sure of myself, so brave in doing many things that did not come naturally to me, and realized that it was because I BELIEVED in what I was doing. I had the courage of conviction.  Can't say that I've been convinced of much of anything in a long, long time.

Hence, a desire to find out what, if anything, means so much to me that I'd be willing to face anything to protect it.  And to figure that out with as little stress as possible.  I can't quit the day job just yet (much as I would love to!) - still have bills and daughter's tuition to pay.  Though, who knows... I may yet do so.  Her education is important to me, but how it gets achieved and paid for is always up for review.  As are those bills... :)

Nevertheless, I can stop stressing about trying to write, paint, etc. and all the promotional work involved in that to make money from it (which I haven't been doing lately anyway because I haven't had the energy to keep up with it all).  So... that's it.  I'm going to do my best to just create for the sheer joy of it, for the learning that will come from that, and not stress myself out. 

I'll be honest with myself and others about how much I can, or cannot, do.  I'm resolving to not friendly with people I don't like just because they'd be useful to know in my job.  I won't smile at liars, I won't glare at friends, I won't enable the weak to maintain their weaknesses (or my own), and hopefully, I'll find some peace.

Wish me luck. :)