Others have written about this subject far more eloquently than I will be able to, but I'm feeling a need to write about it anyway. (Actually, I'm feeling a need to avoid the Packing & Cleaning Beast that is currently hulking just behind my shoulder; its hot, fetid breath scorching the back of my neck.)
Anyway, a few years ago, I moved across country and gave away nearly everything I own except for a few very important items: computer stuff, art stuff, family stuff. It was so liberating that I swore I'd never accumulate so much stuff again.
Fast forward six years...
Where in the heck did all this stuff come from?! I'm not a rabid consumer - I'm not, I tell you! Books, furniture, miscellanea - how did it accumulate? Why did I allow it? I was doing fine without a sofa - just a couple of folding chairs in the living room... wait! That was my daughter who wanted a sofa so she wouldn't be embarrassed when her friends came over. And oh, yes! My boss was cleaning out her storage locker and had an old sofa to give away.
Sofa explained. Check.
Come to think of it, most of the furniture I can attribute to my daughter's influence coinciding with people I know having junk they wanted to get rid of, and I took it on. Sucker!
So, now I'm stuck trying to sort, pack, clean, and get rid of everything before the end of the month, and have no idea how I'll manage it. I've made another vow that NEVER AGAIN will I fall prey to the "gotta have stuff" mindset.
However... I was recently also in the hospital. They took away my purse, my clothes, everything I had with me while I was getting ready to be moved from the ER to my room. It nearly caused a major panic attack. Wait! You can't take my stuff! I felt so stripped, so horrifyingly bare.
As they made off with my things, I had a little roll of mints in my hand that they hadn't seen and I didn't mention. I held onto those darned mints as if they were the Holy Grail and my key to salvation. After all, who was I if all I had was what they had given me? How could I function if I didn't have some of my own things with me? Yet in just a few moments, I had another revelation. Nearly everything I've ever had was given to me at some point, and I was actually in the hospital because I hadn't been able to let go of things.
I put the mints down before they wheeled me away. Now, I'm hoping that this time, I can leave everything else behind as well.
Showing posts with label simplicity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label simplicity. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Time Out
It has been brought to my attention rather forcefully this year that I only have so much time and energy to go around (who knew?), and so I've decided to go into a self-imposed exile for the next year. I'll be taking down my website and other blogs, and just leaving this one up, because I know that I won't be able to stay completely away. I'd miss you guys too much. :)
However, I've had a few late night/early morning epiphanies that have left me with the decision to take a year off from attempting to write and create art for profit. For the next year, I hope to focus on solely the love of the craft(s), as well as reaching deep to discover the things most important to me. You'd think those things would be self-evident, but they really haven't been for almost two decades now. I'm calling this: "The Year of Living Honestly: Finding Purpose and Courage in Truth."
Lofty, huh? :)
Yet, it's true. I've been prone to depression most of my life and felt it coming back lately. Upon further examination, I discovered that my life has been completely lacking in what I'd call honest purpose since I gave up my religion, husband, and most family and friends 16 years ago. During one of those 3am soul-searching sessions recently, I asked myself how it was that I used to be so sure of myself, so brave in doing many things that did not come naturally to me, and realized that it was because I BELIEVED in what I was doing. I had the courage of conviction. Can't say that I've been convinced of much of anything in a long, long time.
Hence, a desire to find out what, if anything, means so much to me that I'd be willing to face anything to protect it. And to figure that out with as little stress as possible. I can't quit the day job just yet (much as I would love to!) - still have bills and daughter's tuition to pay. Though, who knows... I may yet do so. Her education is important to me, but how it gets achieved and paid for is always up for review. As are those bills... :)
Nevertheless, I can stop stressing about trying to write, paint, etc. and all the promotional work involved in that to make money from it (which I haven't been doing lately anyway because I haven't had the energy to keep up with it all). So... that's it. I'm going to do my best to just create for the sheer joy of it, for the learning that will come from that, and not stress myself out.
I'll be honest with myself and others about how much I can, or cannot, do. I'm resolving to not friendly with people I don't like just because they'd be useful to know in my job. I won't smile at liars, I won't glare at friends, I won't enable the weak to maintain their weaknesses (or my own), and hopefully, I'll find some peace.
Wish me luck. :)
However, I've had a few late night/early morning epiphanies that have left me with the decision to take a year off from attempting to write and create art for profit. For the next year, I hope to focus on solely the love of the craft(s), as well as reaching deep to discover the things most important to me. You'd think those things would be self-evident, but they really haven't been for almost two decades now. I'm calling this: "The Year of Living Honestly: Finding Purpose and Courage in Truth."
Lofty, huh? :)
Yet, it's true. I've been prone to depression most of my life and felt it coming back lately. Upon further examination, I discovered that my life has been completely lacking in what I'd call honest purpose since I gave up my religion, husband, and most family and friends 16 years ago. During one of those 3am soul-searching sessions recently, I asked myself how it was that I used to be so sure of myself, so brave in doing many things that did not come naturally to me, and realized that it was because I BELIEVED in what I was doing. I had the courage of conviction. Can't say that I've been convinced of much of anything in a long, long time.
Hence, a desire to find out what, if anything, means so much to me that I'd be willing to face anything to protect it. And to figure that out with as little stress as possible. I can't quit the day job just yet (much as I would love to!) - still have bills and daughter's tuition to pay. Though, who knows... I may yet do so. Her education is important to me, but how it gets achieved and paid for is always up for review. As are those bills... :)
Nevertheless, I can stop stressing about trying to write, paint, etc. and all the promotional work involved in that to make money from it (which I haven't been doing lately anyway because I haven't had the energy to keep up with it all). So... that's it. I'm going to do my best to just create for the sheer joy of it, for the learning that will come from that, and not stress myself out.
I'll be honest with myself and others about how much I can, or cannot, do. I'm resolving to not friendly with people I don't like just because they'd be useful to know in my job. I won't smile at liars, I won't glare at friends, I won't enable the weak to maintain their weaknesses (or my own), and hopefully, I'll find some peace.
Wish me luck. :)
Monday, January 28, 2008
Magical Mondays - Gifts and Gratitude
Please forgive me because I know this will ramble. Forgive me also if I've posted about some of it before.
The original blog plan today was to write about the gifts we sometimes give and receive without realizing just how timely they are when we're in the process of giving them. However, there were some other things that happened today that caught my attention as well.
For instance, Lana mentioned driving around with a scanner she'd planned on giving to Goodwill, but when she spontaneously asked some friends if they'd like one, she discovered they'd just been discussing how much they'd like to have one right before she showed up.
Recently, Edie also spontaneously received the gift of a laptop from which she can print her manuscripts just when her computer went kaput.
When I was moving from IL to AZ a few years back, I experienced a couple of those moments from the giving side. On one of the days before I was due to leave, I was running out of time to get rid of everything I had so I drove several miles to drop off a large number of very nice coat hangers to the Salvation Army, only to discover they didn't want them. As I drove home, I wondered what the heck I was going to do with them, and hated to throw them away.
I drove past a Wendy's when I had a sudden urge to pull in - not because I was hungry or thirsty - I just felt like I should. I didn't even understand it at the time. I asked myself why I had pulled in there and decided to just get a drink from the drive-thru. The woman at the register commented on all the coat hangers I had, so I jokingly asked if she'd like to have them. She said, "Oh, yes, please! I never have enough hangers for my or my kids' clothes and I can't afford to buy them."
A few days after that, I was distraught because I couldn't get a charity to pick up the furniture I had and I didn't have time to sell it. (The charities wouldn't pick it up because my apartment had four steps they had to go up and down - they said I'd have to move everything outside.) I was practically in tears wondering how I'd manage that with no help, but I managed to drag a desk up the stairs and to the curb. Since that hurt my back, I also worried how I'd manage to clean everything later.
But as I started to turn away from the curb to go back inside, a van stopped and two women got out. Only one of them spoke English, and she asked if I was throwing the desk away, and if so, could the other lady have it. I said sure, and she told me the other woman had nothing - no furniture at all. I told her I had an apartment full if they could just pick it up.
I took them inside to show her and the woman started crying. She and her two little boys had been eating and sleeping on the floor for several months (they were recent immigrants). She was so happy, she not only helped me finish packing what few things I was taking with me, she also came back after they picked up the furniture and cleaned the whole apartment for me. It turned out to be a blessing for both of us.
Now, on to the gratitude ramble...
I'm ashamed to say that lately, I've been feeling ridiculously sorry for myself for one reason or another. Today, though, I had a couple of rude awakenings.
I work as a curriculum writer in a hospital, and I had to interview some of the radiologists today to go over their workflows in preparation for a new electronic record system that will go live in June. (I'll be writing the manuals for it.)
Well, first of all, the poor radiologists don't have the best of working conditions - it was dark, cramped and miserably hot where they were. I thought I was going to pass out from the heat. I felt bad for having complained earlier about it being too warm in my office. It was nothing compared to what they're working in.
But what got to me the most wasn't seeing where they worked, it was seeing what they were working on. I was surrounded by images of patients' brain, lung, breast and stomach tumors. I saw the horrendously curved spine of someone who couldn't breath without a tube in his throat because the curvature of his spine caused all his internal organs to shift. His lungs looked like they were laying sideways.
I wrapped up my tour not long before I had to catch my train. Seated in front of me on the train, was an obviously agitated man. When his cell phone rang, I overheard him say his aunt and uncle had just been killed in a car accident and he was on his way to handle the arrangements for them. He received several phone calls where he had to explain to people why he wasn't at work and where he was going. After one of those calls, he just broke down and sobbed.
He couldn't see me, but I started crying with him. He was a big, rough looking guy and it was just so heartbreaking. I searched for a tissue to give him, but didn't have one. I wanted to hug him, but thought it might make him uncomfortable. In the end, I had to settle with touching his shoulder on my way off the train and telling him how sorry I was for his loss. He looked stunned, but then he smiled and seemed genuinely grateful that someone had expressed an interest in his well-being.
My heart goes out to him and his family, as well as to those patients and families dealing with life-threatening illnesses. I hope they will find peace, health and happiness, and that their needs are met in ways that cause them to feel blessed.
I realized again today that I have much to be grateful for. I hope you do too. What are some small or large blessings for which you are thankful?
The original blog plan today was to write about the gifts we sometimes give and receive without realizing just how timely they are when we're in the process of giving them. However, there were some other things that happened today that caught my attention as well.
For instance, Lana mentioned driving around with a scanner she'd planned on giving to Goodwill, but when she spontaneously asked some friends if they'd like one, she discovered they'd just been discussing how much they'd like to have one right before she showed up.
Recently, Edie also spontaneously received the gift of a laptop from which she can print her manuscripts just when her computer went kaput.
When I was moving from IL to AZ a few years back, I experienced a couple of those moments from the giving side. On one of the days before I was due to leave, I was running out of time to get rid of everything I had so I drove several miles to drop off a large number of very nice coat hangers to the Salvation Army, only to discover they didn't want them. As I drove home, I wondered what the heck I was going to do with them, and hated to throw them away.
I drove past a Wendy's when I had a sudden urge to pull in - not because I was hungry or thirsty - I just felt like I should. I didn't even understand it at the time. I asked myself why I had pulled in there and decided to just get a drink from the drive-thru. The woman at the register commented on all the coat hangers I had, so I jokingly asked if she'd like to have them. She said, "Oh, yes, please! I never have enough hangers for my or my kids' clothes and I can't afford to buy them."
A few days after that, I was distraught because I couldn't get a charity to pick up the furniture I had and I didn't have time to sell it. (The charities wouldn't pick it up because my apartment had four steps they had to go up and down - they said I'd have to move everything outside.) I was practically in tears wondering how I'd manage that with no help, but I managed to drag a desk up the stairs and to the curb. Since that hurt my back, I also worried how I'd manage to clean everything later.
But as I started to turn away from the curb to go back inside, a van stopped and two women got out. Only one of them spoke English, and she asked if I was throwing the desk away, and if so, could the other lady have it. I said sure, and she told me the other woman had nothing - no furniture at all. I told her I had an apartment full if they could just pick it up.
I took them inside to show her and the woman started crying. She and her two little boys had been eating and sleeping on the floor for several months (they were recent immigrants). She was so happy, she not only helped me finish packing what few things I was taking with me, she also came back after they picked up the furniture and cleaned the whole apartment for me. It turned out to be a blessing for both of us.
Now, on to the gratitude ramble...
I'm ashamed to say that lately, I've been feeling ridiculously sorry for myself for one reason or another. Today, though, I had a couple of rude awakenings.
I work as a curriculum writer in a hospital, and I had to interview some of the radiologists today to go over their workflows in preparation for a new electronic record system that will go live in June. (I'll be writing the manuals for it.)
Well, first of all, the poor radiologists don't have the best of working conditions - it was dark, cramped and miserably hot where they were. I thought I was going to pass out from the heat. I felt bad for having complained earlier about it being too warm in my office. It was nothing compared to what they're working in.
But what got to me the most wasn't seeing where they worked, it was seeing what they were working on. I was surrounded by images of patients' brain, lung, breast and stomach tumors. I saw the horrendously curved spine of someone who couldn't breath without a tube in his throat because the curvature of his spine caused all his internal organs to shift. His lungs looked like they were laying sideways.
I wrapped up my tour not long before I had to catch my train. Seated in front of me on the train, was an obviously agitated man. When his cell phone rang, I overheard him say his aunt and uncle had just been killed in a car accident and he was on his way to handle the arrangements for them. He received several phone calls where he had to explain to people why he wasn't at work and where he was going. After one of those calls, he just broke down and sobbed.
He couldn't see me, but I started crying with him. He was a big, rough looking guy and it was just so heartbreaking. I searched for a tissue to give him, but didn't have one. I wanted to hug him, but thought it might make him uncomfortable. In the end, I had to settle with touching his shoulder on my way off the train and telling him how sorry I was for his loss. He looked stunned, but then he smiled and seemed genuinely grateful that someone had expressed an interest in his well-being.
My heart goes out to him and his family, as well as to those patients and families dealing with life-threatening illnesses. I hope they will find peace, health and happiness, and that their needs are met in ways that cause them to feel blessed.
I realized again today that I have much to be grateful for. I hope you do too. What are some small or large blessings for which you are thankful?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Spaghetti Days
There is a chapter in the book MAKING A LIVING WITHOUT A JOB, where the author exhorts the reader to treasure their "spaghetti days" - those days before they make it big and are living on spaghetti. She says to chronicle them, because one day you will look back and remember them fondly, even if they are difficult at the time.
Well, I'm entering into spaghetti days right now (though in our house, it's more like rice & beans with the occassional enchilada thrown in.) :) I handed in my resignation for the fourth time in three years, and while they once again tried to suck me back in, I only agreed to work two days a week through the end of October while my replacement gets up to speed.
You see, I realized that there are other things that are far more important to me than working for an outfit that I can no longer emotionally support. Things like taking care of my daughter and myself. Things that make me happy like writing and painting. The arthritis in my hands is getting so bad that there are days when I take my hand off the mouse and it remains in that clawed shape for several painful minutes after while I try to massage it loose.
It occurred to me that I don't want to spend years being unhappy and lose the use of my hands when I could be using them for things that I enjoy while I still can.
However, what that means, is that for a while I'll be quite entrenched in spaghetti days. And only when I can buy boxes 4 for a dollar. :)
I've been planning on starting a small publishing company, as well as sell my artwork online and elsewhere, but have run into a couple of small legal snafus which I hope to smooth out in the next month or two. I'll keep you posted.
Meanwhile, Magical Musings recently posted a link to the inspiring account of Sherrilyn Kenyon's journey to publication and all she went through. You can read it here. (Scroll down to the part called "And here's the story of how I got to where I am." It is worth the read.
Wish me luck as I move forward, as I'll be wishing it for all of you.
There is a chapter in the book MAKING A LIVING WITHOUT A JOB, where the author exhorts the reader to treasure their "spaghetti days" - those days before they make it big and are living on spaghetti. She says to chronicle them, because one day you will look back and remember them fondly, even if they are difficult at the time.
Well, I'm entering into spaghetti days right now (though in our house, it's more like rice & beans with the occassional enchilada thrown in.) :) I handed in my resignation for the fourth time in three years, and while they once again tried to suck me back in, I only agreed to work two days a week through the end of October while my replacement gets up to speed.
You see, I realized that there are other things that are far more important to me than working for an outfit that I can no longer emotionally support. Things like taking care of my daughter and myself. Things that make me happy like writing and painting. The arthritis in my hands is getting so bad that there are days when I take my hand off the mouse and it remains in that clawed shape for several painful minutes after while I try to massage it loose.
It occurred to me that I don't want to spend years being unhappy and lose the use of my hands when I could be using them for things that I enjoy while I still can.
However, what that means, is that for a while I'll be quite entrenched in spaghetti days. And only when I can buy boxes 4 for a dollar. :)
I've been planning on starting a small publishing company, as well as sell my artwork online and elsewhere, but have run into a couple of small legal snafus which I hope to smooth out in the next month or two. I'll keep you posted.
Meanwhile, Magical Musings recently posted a link to the inspiring account of Sherrilyn Kenyon's journey to publication and all she went through. You can read it here. (Scroll down to the part called "And here's the story of how I got to where I am." It is worth the read.
Wish me luck as I move forward, as I'll be wishing it for all of you.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Thrifty Thursdays
The UPS man just left behind a box of seven books that I had ordered using the book store gift card my brother gave me for Christmas. I wish now that I'd had my epiphany from earlier this week before I ordered the books--I might have made some changes. For example, I would have bought another copy of "Your Money or Your Life" by Joe Dominguez--a book I had before, but accidentally gave away. (don't ask)
However, I'm still excited by what I did get. I went crazy in the bargain bin - seven books under $25 - I think that's thrifty. :)
Among them were "Ciao Italia - Bringing Italy Home: Regional Recipes, Flavors and Traditions as Seen on the Public Television Series Ciao Italia" by Mary Ann Esposito (I always loved that show); "Edit Yourself: A Manual for Everyone Who Works with Words" by Bruce Ross-Larson (I need that - I can edit others, but not myself); "The Element Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures" by John & Caitlin Matthews (I've heard this is great for people who write books with magical elements) and Stephen R. Covey's "First Things First."
Looking at the Covey book, I was a little sceptical about somebody known for working with corporate leaders being able to put "first things first", but I came across this in the first few pages. After explaining some of the sections, he says: "Finally, we'll take a look at "first things"--and our basic human needs and capacities to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy--and how to put them first by using our inner compass to align our lives with the "true north" realities that govern quality of life."
Aligning our lives with our "true north." I like that idea. I'll let you know more about the book once I finish reading it. In the meantime, as you can tell by the existential angst I've been pouring over this blog the past few days, I'm desperately trying to align my outer life with my inner life. I'm truly a simple person at heart; I could easily live in a one-room cabin in the woods (as long as I had an Internet connection *g*) and be quite content. I've read lots over the years about women who turned their backs on the corporate world, or head out to the country because it was a long-standing dream, or who raised families on their own with very little money--sometimes because they had no choice, sometimes because they chose to spend more time with their families. I find them inspirational.
Since I'm fairly tired right now, and since my computer keeps freezing, I'm just going to leave you with a link and a small tip. The link, The Garden of Simplicity by Duane Elgin has a nice article about the meaning of simplicity. As for the tip, if you've ever read a woman's magazine in your life you may have read this before; if not, here's one of my favorite "frugal living" tips. :)
Save the wrappers from sticks of butter or margarine. There's still enough butter on the wrapper that you can use it to grease baking pans. (You can keep them in a baggie in the refrigerator - if you have more than one, put a piece of wax paper between.) It really does make a nice, quick way to grease cake pans without wasting anything.
The UPS man just left behind a box of seven books that I had ordered using the book store gift card my brother gave me for Christmas. I wish now that I'd had my epiphany from earlier this week before I ordered the books--I might have made some changes. For example, I would have bought another copy of "Your Money or Your Life" by Joe Dominguez--a book I had before, but accidentally gave away. (don't ask)
However, I'm still excited by what I did get. I went crazy in the bargain bin - seven books under $25 - I think that's thrifty. :)
Among them were "Ciao Italia - Bringing Italy Home: Regional Recipes, Flavors and Traditions as Seen on the Public Television Series Ciao Italia" by Mary Ann Esposito (I always loved that show); "Edit Yourself: A Manual for Everyone Who Works with Words" by Bruce Ross-Larson (I need that - I can edit others, but not myself); "The Element Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures" by John & Caitlin Matthews (I've heard this is great for people who write books with magical elements) and Stephen R. Covey's "First Things First."
Looking at the Covey book, I was a little sceptical about somebody known for working with corporate leaders being able to put "first things first", but I came across this in the first few pages. After explaining some of the sections, he says: "Finally, we'll take a look at "first things"--and our basic human needs and capacities to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy--and how to put them first by using our inner compass to align our lives with the "true north" realities that govern quality of life."
Aligning our lives with our "true north." I like that idea. I'll let you know more about the book once I finish reading it. In the meantime, as you can tell by the existential angst I've been pouring over this blog the past few days, I'm desperately trying to align my outer life with my inner life. I'm truly a simple person at heart; I could easily live in a one-room cabin in the woods (as long as I had an Internet connection *g*) and be quite content. I've read lots over the years about women who turned their backs on the corporate world, or head out to the country because it was a long-standing dream, or who raised families on their own with very little money--sometimes because they had no choice, sometimes because they chose to spend more time with their families. I find them inspirational.
Since I'm fairly tired right now, and since my computer keeps freezing, I'm just going to leave you with a link and a small tip. The link, The Garden of Simplicity by Duane Elgin has a nice article about the meaning of simplicity. As for the tip, if you've ever read a woman's magazine in your life you may have read this before; if not, here's one of my favorite "frugal living" tips. :)
Save the wrappers from sticks of butter or margarine. There's still enough butter on the wrapper that you can use it to grease baking pans. (You can keep them in a baggie in the refrigerator - if you have more than one, put a piece of wax paper between.) It really does make a nice, quick way to grease cake pans without wasting anything.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Writing Wednesdays
OK, yeah. I designated Wednesdays for writing topics, but things have been happening lately that are demanding my attention, causing me to question what I’ve been doing with my time, my skills, and my life and I can't seem to focus on much else. I suppose it’s timely--starting a new year defining ones values is not a bad thing, and I feel like I’ve not been making the best use of my time on earth lately.
Two more things happened today (that’s two in a long list of things) that pressed home the point yet again. One was a long, dreary staff meeting where I had to listen to other people being given sole credit for projects that I not only initiated, but also planned, developed and implemented through many hours of hard work. The other was a phone call from one of my daughter’s teachers about how she’s been cutting class and is close to failing. That’s been going on for a while now, and Emily is a very bright girl so there’s no academic excuse for her bad grades.
Obviously, something is wrong and I’m asking myself, I’ve been working long hours to provide a certain level of income for what? I know this is a common occurrence; if it weren’t, there wouldn’t be such sayings as “No one ever said on their deathbed, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at the office.’” And while from time to time I have made breaks away from it, attempting to put first things first, it seems like I repeatedly allowed myself to be sucked back into the money-work-stress cycle.
I remember thinking some years ago that if I just had more money, everything would be okay. Well, now I’m making forty thousand more per year than I was then. (Not that I’m well off by any means; the fact that I’m up 40K simply speaks to how poor I was.) However, I’m no happier now than I was then. I’m just as stressed worrying about my kid, just as unhappy that I don’t have the time or energy to pursue the things I enjoy. So I asked myself, since money didn’t make a difference, what would? What am I missing? The answer was clear: time and purpose. I’ve been lacking both--then and now.
Actually, I’ve changed jobs on a couple of occasions to give myself more time, but I realize now that I still lacked purpose; or else, didn’t commit fully to whatever purpose I’d used as an excuse for quitting. I think those times I switched jobs was simply because I was burnt out, but told myself I was doing it for better reasons; yet once the fear of poverty set in, I went back to the grind.
I just took some time off from writing this blog to have a long talk with my daughter. After our discussion about her grades, I also told her that I’m going to ask my boss if I can go to part-time. Her first words were (in a panicky voice), “But won’t that mean you’ll be paid less?” I said yes, but the money wasn’t worth giving up my life. She said it would be for her. That led to a long discussion about values, reminders of how we lived before vs. how we live now and if we truly were any happier, and how short and unpredictable life really is: my younger brother died suddenly a couple of years ago from heart failure; he was only 31. I don’t expect her to change her way of thinking overnight, but I believe the seed was planted that one thing we can’t buy is the most valuable thing we can have: time for our loved ones, time for ourselves.
Now, I’ll try to bring this back around to writing. :) Going part-time will only just cover the bills. But the freedom to spend time with her, to give her the attention she needs, to do the things that make me happy such as writing and painting--that’s priceless. I believe I can only become a better writer, painter and most importantly, mother, because of it.
OK, yeah. I designated Wednesdays for writing topics, but things have been happening lately that are demanding my attention, causing me to question what I’ve been doing with my time, my skills, and my life and I can't seem to focus on much else. I suppose it’s timely--starting a new year defining ones values is not a bad thing, and I feel like I’ve not been making the best use of my time on earth lately.
Two more things happened today (that’s two in a long list of things) that pressed home the point yet again. One was a long, dreary staff meeting where I had to listen to other people being given sole credit for projects that I not only initiated, but also planned, developed and implemented through many hours of hard work. The other was a phone call from one of my daughter’s teachers about how she’s been cutting class and is close to failing. That’s been going on for a while now, and Emily is a very bright girl so there’s no academic excuse for her bad grades.
Obviously, something is wrong and I’m asking myself, I’ve been working long hours to provide a certain level of income for what? I know this is a common occurrence; if it weren’t, there wouldn’t be such sayings as “No one ever said on their deathbed, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at the office.’” And while from time to time I have made breaks away from it, attempting to put first things first, it seems like I repeatedly allowed myself to be sucked back into the money-work-stress cycle.
I remember thinking some years ago that if I just had more money, everything would be okay. Well, now I’m making forty thousand more per year than I was then. (Not that I’m well off by any means; the fact that I’m up 40K simply speaks to how poor I was.) However, I’m no happier now than I was then. I’m just as stressed worrying about my kid, just as unhappy that I don’t have the time or energy to pursue the things I enjoy. So I asked myself, since money didn’t make a difference, what would? What am I missing? The answer was clear: time and purpose. I’ve been lacking both--then and now.
Actually, I’ve changed jobs on a couple of occasions to give myself more time, but I realize now that I still lacked purpose; or else, didn’t commit fully to whatever purpose I’d used as an excuse for quitting. I think those times I switched jobs was simply because I was burnt out, but told myself I was doing it for better reasons; yet once the fear of poverty set in, I went back to the grind.
I just took some time off from writing this blog to have a long talk with my daughter. After our discussion about her grades, I also told her that I’m going to ask my boss if I can go to part-time. Her first words were (in a panicky voice), “But won’t that mean you’ll be paid less?” I said yes, but the money wasn’t worth giving up my life. She said it would be for her. That led to a long discussion about values, reminders of how we lived before vs. how we live now and if we truly were any happier, and how short and unpredictable life really is: my younger brother died suddenly a couple of years ago from heart failure; he was only 31. I don’t expect her to change her way of thinking overnight, but I believe the seed was planted that one thing we can’t buy is the most valuable thing we can have: time for our loved ones, time for ourselves.
Now, I’ll try to bring this back around to writing. :) Going part-time will only just cover the bills. But the freedom to spend time with her, to give her the attention she needs, to do the things that make me happy such as writing and painting--that’s priceless. I believe I can only become a better writer, painter and most importantly, mother, because of it.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Small Pleasures
(Image copyright Robin Woods)
I recently went to Arizona to pack and mail the rest of the things I left behind when I moved last year. Some of the items have arrived and to my great pleasure, there were eight boxes of books and movies that made their way home. I was especially happy to see the books - all my beloved writing books, favorite novels and one that I had even forgotten that I bought just before I moved, "The Writer's Complete Fantasy Reference: An Indispensable Compendium of Myth and Magic from the Editors of Writer's Digests Books."
Woohoo! Happy days are here again! :o)
I was also pleased to see my Robin Woods tarot deck tucked in among them (I've missed it - bought another deck which was quite pretty, but not as satisfying as this one.) The first card I saw when I opened the box was the Queen of Pentacles (or coins) and she's one of my favorite cards. I love the pastoral setting of this card, all the greens and golds, the fruits and flowers, as she sits calm and contented, the soft little rabbits sheltered by her side. I always see her as a strong, independent and warm woman who has intelligently tended her gardens and crafts, and now enjoys the fruits of her labor with plenty to share. She's in control of her life and offers assistance to those who may need it, while being at peace with her own nature and surroundings. That's who I want to be when I grow up. :)
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